Monday, May 20, 2013


Arcturus Benedict
Son of Thoros the Strongheart
Prince of the Benedicts
King of the Hill

Born into the nouveau riche family of a quaint pastoral region, Arcturus was blessed with both the good genetics and the wealth and titles of his father Thoros, a retired adventurer long since elevated to minor nobility for his deeds.  Both are giants of men in both size and stature, blond of hair and blue of eye.  However, Arcturus is easily distinguished from his parent by the distinct absence of scars across every part of his body - also, by an impish smirk which seems designed to make men want to punch him.  This course of action is, of course, ill-advised, as Arcturus has physical talents both practiced and inherent, and delights in lording them over those quick to anger.

While a clever child, Arcturus has squandered most of his expensive education, paying little heed to instructors and to the workings of inner politics that constantly plague his house.  He has acquired only enough talent at social manipulation to further avoid duties to his house, and spent as much of his free time as possible carousing, dueling, brawling, and daydreaming.   Spoiled and self-centered, Arcturus is primarily motivated by a desire to outshine his father, which led him to leave his homeland and seek his own fortune at an early age.

Arcturus has a strongly developed sense of right and wrong, but mostly cares about it in the sense of fame and infamy.  He wants one, cares little for the other, and will take any route that allows him to be seen as a glowing savior regardless of whether his actions actually help those in need.  Having never really lost a battle, he considers himself invincible and never backs down from a fight, seeing near suicidal challenges as quick paths to glory.

Arcturus is a daydreamer and a believer of fantasies.  He has virtually no attention span and constantly forgets or mispronounces names - whether as a purposeful slight or a quirk of his often distracted mind is anyone's guess.  He does feel strongly indebted to those he travels with, seeing them as his own extremely dysfunctional family.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Today I first heard
a sweet nothing
whispered in my ear -
a little maybe
gently teased
with all the promise
of a promise
and all the potential
tomorrow brings.
Yes. A dream is best shared.
Yes. A dream is best lived.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

"You know what the best part about being an explorer is? You get to name the planets. Fleet decree. Of course, you have to have a little imagination to captain a ship through the dark unknown, and you have to get approval - regulations, after the whole debacle with the Sam sector, Sams I-XII, the Sam nebula. But if you're one of the 15% of us ship captains who makes it out past the boundaries of known space, the lands you see will bear words you've spoken for eternities.

"If I ever get to a planet I don't like, I'm naming it Eden - just to spite all those poncy bastards who think we're gonna find paradise out here. And if they do - the name's taken! Guess your perfect planet won't quite have that perfect ring to it, rich with religious context so you'll have someplace new to preach your religious pfaffle for another twenty-two centuries.

"...That's assuming, of course, I find a planet I don't like. And I haven't yet. They're beautiful.

"They're all too beautiful. "

Saturday, December 31, 2011

What to say about this year. This year was this and this and sometimes a little of this. This year I made great friends. This year I made an effort to make my life better. This year I think I succeeded.

This year I made resolutions to ask a girl out, publish something, move to Portland. This year I fulfilled all of those resolutions and still wasn't satisfied. This year my heart soared and plummeted, this year my dreams waxed and waned, this year everything sweet came with a little bitter. This year was amazing and beautiful. This year I did things right by myself. This year was pretty amazing.

This year I did my damnedest. Next year won't be different.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

I now have a little family of blogs.

The Twilight Rewrite: http://rewriting-twilight.blogspot.com/

My media blog: http://contentaggravation.blogspot.com/
“Fuck you, you mediocre bastard,” she said, and the words echoed like the aftershock of an atom bomb through his whole reality, rearranging on a molecular level what it meant to be human and alive and in love with someone who did not love him back. 40 long mediocre years she'd been his, some 14,600 utterly average kisses every morning, twice that many dull conversations about unimportant things, roughly 7,000 dissatisfying sexual encounters where he thought he had been her everything and she had tolerated – tolerated! - him inside her, while he pretended not to notice like the bastard he was, had to be.

There could be no greater insult. Each syllable cut with the keen edge of truth, maybe not the truth but a truth, one that he could not help but believe. In one great instant of personal triumph a man faded, and flickered, and was no longer a human being. And like that, it was over.

But not for everyone...

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Look, it's simple: Fall in love with everyone you meet, including - especially - yourself.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The last time Roland had given his heart to another he dropped it on the sidewalk, where it flopped about like a gasping fish, waiting for someone to pick it up. Nobody did. They just stood there, him and her and the squick, squick squick of a dying love heaving grotesquely on the gravel, both parties studiously ignoring its throes. Minutes passed like eternities.

She broke first - coughed into her hand, cracking the silence like a gunshot. Begrudgingly, he picked the heart up in his right hand, dusted it off on his overcoat. Grimacing at its state, he shook her left hand with his and walked abruptly away, letting the thump, thump thump mark his pace.

They can't all be epic tales.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I may not live forever. I don't want to save the world.
I'm not real sure how this whole tale should end.
But I know a few things about purpose and prose,
and I'll know more when the last word is penned.

Listen: Love's got wings, and hope's the thing with feathers.
And when the two beat together, they'll lift you back up again.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

1. The Forest

The ground cracked, the sky fell in, the world ended, and the forest remained. Eternity was its nature, and like all things eternal it had no endings or beginnings but only events, happenings, moments in time. In one of these moments a vast empire had stood, and now it stood no more. Beneath crawling vines and deep layers of earth the forest reclaimed the gleaming city, a thousand years passing as its ruins sunk beneath verdant green eager to erase its existence. Once the city, too, had been thought eternal. Now it was ephemeral. No lips had spoken its name in centuries.

Nonetheless, something had changed since the breaking. Wrapped in the tallest of mountains erupting from the deepest of valleys, the forest had nonetheless seen life, and the story of it remained. As the remnants of the world rebuilt, it was spoken of not as a thing untouchable, but as a thing that had been touched, a place once known and again knowable. It was sought for by the dreamers: as a quests end, as a new beginning, as a home and a hope and a promise of eternity. It was paradise.

Leonard hated it.

2. Leonard

Leonard Dupont lived with his parents in a quaint brick manor – two stories, and a library underneath – in the middle of a pond located just a short distance from the forests center. He despised the house, the pond, the forest, the cliffs that bordered it, the local fauna, the food, his parents, and on some rare occasions, himself. He was sixteen.

Leonard was tall, gangly, thin and pale. He had coarse dark hair that was impossible to comb and sharp grey eyes that perfectly complemented his invariable grimace. He burned like fine rice paper in the sunlight, of which there was always plenty, and stuck mostly to the shade of trees, of which there was always more. On most sunny days he stayed inside the house entirely, but since the weather never changed, the days were always sunny, and lacking a better excuse he would frequently be forced out of the house against his own will.

On occasions such as this he would typically bide his time by throwing large rocks at the fish and glaring viciously at the other local fauna, which was friendly, herbivorous and sickeningly cute without fail. If his exile from the manor was of a lengthier time, he would swim the pond and venture out into the woods alone. There was no set destination in mind on these ventures; the forest was strangely resistant to trailblazing. For months Leonard had tried to mark the routes that he had used, but carvings he made in trees vanished within days, and other markings no matter how clever or subtle seemed to be swallowed up by the underbrush overnight. He had often speculated (and correctly, it turns out) that you could lose a city in this place, and he had to be careful It hardly mattered; though it was easy to be lost in the forest it was just as easy to find the only two destinations of note: his house, which was located where the trees were thickest, and the hundred-foot cliffs that he could reach by walking any other direction.

These were beautiful, in their own way. Majestic outcroppings of stone lined with thick vines and creepers that glistened in the light, they appealed to Leonard in more ways than one – but in all his sixteen years he had never managed to climb them. Once one made it halfway the vines dropped off and the stones sloped forwards like a cresting wave, forcing the climber to topple backwards if he dared to proceed. He'd fallen once, and though the brush had broken his fall, it had been such a violent and troublesome experience that he no longer had the heart to try. They were walls to his prison – but things that were left here stayed where they were put, and so Leonard came here to enjoy the one thing that he didn't hate about living in the forest, which was the books.

Where everything else about the manor was designed with a certain elegance in mind, the cellar had only one purpose, and that was to hold as many books as possible. It extended far beyond the confines of the manor itself, its walls composed of the same peculiar variety of stone that made up the cliffside of the forest – thick walls that never cracked or buckled or sought any form of repair, and which glowed dimly in the dark, defining passages and doorways. Each of these divided the cellar into some thirty-odd rooms, each one of which was divided again by two dozen shelves, stacked from floor to ceiling with thousands upon thousands of books.

The library was older than the house itself, and its contents contained the work and dreams of entire civilizations. He did not know who had collected them all but he was eternally grateful for their existence, as they described for him worlds far outside the scope of his tiny house on his tiny island in his tiny forest in its tiny crater. They showed him what the world outside was like, and he could not, for anything, hate it as he did everything else in his life.

Leonard read everything, he could get his hands on: histories, guidebooks, biographies, educational texts on every subject conceivable, philosophy and alchemy and mathematics. There were fictions, too, hundreds upon hundreds of fantastical tales: stories of stars that came alive and danced for mortals on moonlit nights, of beasts of terrible power and beauty and the heroes that came to fight them, of love that spanned the ages and broke all barriers.

Mostly, though, he read about wizards. Leonard was fascinated with wizards; he had been ever since the first day one had come to his house and set fire to his mothers rosebush.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Sometimes it's about feeling
before you were ever thinking. Lady, let's ionize the atmosphere
with your breath against mine. I think I'm ready. I think
you're not. I'm wrong on both counts, and it doesn't matter in the slightest.
I once didn't believe in these things,
and when I tell you I'm certain now it's because I'm not sure. And that feels
agonizing
overwhelming
terrifying
and beautiful.
And you are so beautiful.

I wish I could write my thoughts down on little postcards, keep a diary of
when I love you and when I don't. Thinking of you... and the last time we kissed. Thinking of you... and wondering why
you shied away from that glance. Thinking of you... loving me unconditionally
even though you never did. Thinking of you with your hair over your sleeping eyes, your head on my arm, my hand tingling. Thinking of you...
Thinking of you...
Thinking of you...

Love is
consensual non-consent.
It's a choice to be stupid and crazy and powerless
it's a decision to be caught off-guard by your beauty
it's sheer willpower just to understand things the way that you do.
When I open my heart
I close my mind – just a little – to the possibility that you are not
perfect in every way, that those little foibles don't
make you amazing and wonderful and unique, that your choice is not
mine, and that I will always, always, always,
never choose you.

My heart's in the right place. My head will follow.
Sometimes kicking and screaming.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

One whispered vow can shape a life. One decision on a sleepless night.
Two hearts can meet if they care to try - now, or then, or never. No guarantees. No telling why.

What are these moments that we truly live? That we seek, and find elusive?
That we stumble over in error
only to learn that we can fly?
One moment, every day. At least one that I could make my own and live
not as I am. But will it come? I cannot say.

I do not fear it. But I am who I am
and I will not apologize. No epiphany could make me less
of a mad devil, surviving
a hopeless romantic, waiting
a believer in truths, seeking

these are lives that I lived. My past.
And whether present or future, a part of me.

So know this:

I'll tread new ground and old. I'll be brave and I'll be bold. My heart will break and swell.

And I'll have a story to tell.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I was always a broken heart.

I've heard it said a man is gene, meme, scene:
what happened to him, what he knows, what he is
but I did not understand
that one is the same as the other
that I am the cause as well as the effect.

I knew.
I learned the dark romantic
from those who would share light,
felt meaning and found memories of that
which was most important to me – that
wretched, wrenching, writhing, ready soul
who believes so much and fights so hard
for a poem and a song
and nothing to show for it.
I understood the story before I told it.
And I knew where it would end.

I brought myself to this. Again and again.
Knowing the kiss goodnight would save me
and believing you better off.
Knowing the right words at the wrong time.
Knowing why you had to leave.
Knowing love with a phantom specter, a mirror darkly,
a fairy story girl
who knew me – how could she not! - for what I am.

And I am a broken heart. A cautionary tale for the cautious.
A warning for the vivid and vivacious - for those who feel love
without any hope or sense, and yet flinch from the brink
as they tumble over it.
Desperate souls starving to feel without thinking, think without feeling.
Gamblers playing for their lives with empty palms outstretched.
I could have tried a thousand ways
to love you, and it could have ended a thousand ways, all of them
just
like
this.

So smile, as I do. Let the meaning fade – I'll keep it company
a while longer.
Say, enough! For it was always this.
No stroke of destiny, but no pretend,
no faking what I feel - just feeling it to the end.

I was always a broken heart
struggling to mend.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

I am thinking about writing Lightbringers now. Lightbringers is a humorous contemporary fantasy novel about a man named Kellen Danvers working for the United States government as some sort of twist on the Bond-esque intelligence agent, channeling both the fantastical super-spy and a bit of Philip Marlowe as he combats forces reacting to the world around them. At its heart the conflict is between Danvers, a neutral element, and a series of notably dedicated individuals who have an established concept of right and wrong based entirely on the evils of "the other guy" in a constantly expanding Catch-22. I don't think the point of the book is necessarily to make Danvers in the right, but more to express compromises of ideology, the pain and hardship wrought from them, and what comes of it. I'm pretty excited about it right now.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

A world without (rough)

What choice have we but to love?
When you offer yourself so bravely
should we analyze the whys and hows of how
and why you came to be this way?
When you trust so fully that you are beautiful
who are we to deny it to ourselves?

I could not live in a world where a song sung to the crowd was a crass gesture,
where my advances only signaled desperation.
Where dreams were madness and not truth. Where knowing the things inside you
made you ugly to me. To the world.

And I say: it is not so.

So sing your songs. I will listen
and hope to understand. I will dance with you
whether you ask me to or not. If you ask for love,
I give it freely. For the alternative is a world without.

Another round for loves lost (Draft II)

Another round for loves lost
And loves never won. I'll drink to that - and only that.
To happiness drawn from all those unspoken truths.
To the gleeful reflection on might-haves and maybes
and the loneliness and heartache of the has-beens and never-weres.
The highs and lows of my imaginings
erode not at the liver, but the soul -
still, they could just forge anew
that lonely shoal.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The world is stupid and so am I
It's 3 hours and several millenia past midnight and
we still don't know the words.
That was my dream. My poets dream:
That, given enough time and a desperate enough hour
I'd find it in me to say the things that
have to be understood.
That I could show us that the person we don't know
is as important as the people we do,
that one life holds all the potential of the next.
That being yourself doesn't mean
never changing – that the opposite is true.
That the choices we made are never wrong.
Never. Because we made those choices.
I wanted to be a hero, maybe even a god.
I wanted to change your mind. I wanted to change mine.
I was a child.

We're still fumbling at the words, still arguing
over their meaning. We don't know what we want to say.
I can't find it in me to tell you how I'd change myself for you
and be happy with those changes.
How my heart beats fast at the prospect.
How my mind speeds and circles with the possibility
but can't quite master the timing.
How etiquette and protocol have fucked us, fucked us, fucked us,
when we don't know we are trapped within it.
Even when we do.

I thought that words were forever until I learned that I was wrong.
It took no time at all for the old English to become exactly that.
In a dozen millenia all I thought eternal will be gibberish on the wall, dialects forgotten,
loved only by wizened lexicographers and corpses, in that order.
I say love, and it means
something other than what it did before.
And maybe, still, something old. But only just.
It won't hold you here with me.
And I don't know that it should.
I don't know.
But I'm here with you anyways,
mute,
mouthing the words to what I think is
your favorite song.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

"So let me get this straight. A rogue AI breaks its tether, shuts down an entire government facility, takes control of the internet and then... just dies?"
"Is it so hard to believe that the system shock just killed it? The internets a big place, and there's a lot of stuff on there that can disrupt a highly ordered and logical brain, or at least stall it indefinitely. Logical contradictions, philosophical quandaries, unanswered questions, mathematical impossibilities, paradoxes..."
"And 4chan."
"Mostly 4chan."

Saturday, June 4, 2011

(roooooough)

Let's tell this story before it happens, because it's happening right now. It starts right at the beginning of the century, with a pinnacle of human achievement in this or any millenia: the discovery of the cure for cancer.

Or, maybe that's what it is. It's hard to tell, because nobody is actually using it, except under the table. The dosage is tricky and uncertain, there haven't been and it has side effects like nerve damage, even a one in five chance of death amongst the five patients it's actually been officially tested on. Still, it's the first thing anyone has succeeded with that doesn't involve completely irradiating every healthy and non-healthy cell in a human body, or sucking all the marrow from somebodies bones, or cutting egg-sized portions of human tissue out and hoping they don't grow back.

In fact, the only thing that makes this procedure worse than any of those options is that it's cheap and commonplace. It's a common chemical called dichloroacetate that, by virtue of being a common chemical, can't be patented. And this is a problem, because if something can't be patented it can't be sold exclusively, and if it can't be sold exclusively then it can't be sold for thousands of dollars when it's made for pennies.

No one can make money off it. It's just not that kind of drug.

So as a result, the research on this drug, the kind of research that makes sure that it really, truly, effectively cures cancer, the kind that teaches us how not to kill every one in every five people we save, is crawling. It's been years since we found this chemical and now there's one human study, funded entirely by private donations, telling us it's probably working and that if you put (conservatively) fifty million dollars and ten years of time into it that it will be there, pretty much free, for everybody.

The cure for cancer.

But nobody's going to drop fifty or a hundred or a hundred and fifty million dollars on a drug that, if it works, won't pay itself back to the people who put money into it. That's not how pharmaceutical companies work. They exist to make money because if they didn't exist to make money, they wouldn't exist. It's heartless, but no one ever claimed that corporations had to have hearts.

So here's the story that hasn't happened yet: it involves two people, one with cancer and one without. Two friends, lets say, though they could just as easily be husband and wife, or brother and sister, or just that sweet girl that one guy met on the internet that time. But in this story, it's just these two friends, and one of them is sick, and the other one knows about it. And he also knows that there's a cure out there. And he knows for damn sure it's not gonna be ready in time.

His friend won't take chemo - tells him "the last thing I want is more cancer". Nothing else works. He's given up. So the guy who knows tells the guy with cancer about this thing they call DCA. He says it's a pretty common drug they use for metabolism disorders and he's pretty sure he can get his hands on some. The guy with cancer asks: is it dangerous? And he says: Well, sure it is. You got something to live for?

So that's it. They get the DCA from somewhere, and they find out as much information as they can about how to use it, and they give it to the guy with cancer.

He doesn't live. They mess up the dose, maybe. His liver gives out. It's quicker than the cancer.

The guy who does live goes on trial for murder. He pleads guilty immediately. When they ask him why he did it, he tells them he knew what he was doing. He tells them he knew the risk. He tells them he knew the consequences.

He tells them he wouldn't have ever done it differently.

It is always strange to me to see the word socialism tossed around in this country like it's some sort of expletive, or a weight around some democrats neck. We measure our progress in this world, and rightly so, by the happiness, healthiness, education and freedom of our people and we created a government to help us provide that. We're considered a first world nation because we have roads and schools and hospitals that everyone in this country paid however begrudgingly out of pocket for. And even though it seems like we've monumentally screwed up the how of how we're paying for these things it's very hard to question the why.

It's because, antithetical to a corporation, a government should have a heart and not a head. It's because the concept of basic human rights for all trump the obstacles and irritance this presents to those people who already have them. It's because being treated when you're sick is a right, not a privilege, and if you're going to effectively protect that right you need a model that doesn't think only for its own bottom line.

Our government should know as well as the man on trial knows: that we, as people of this earth, have a responsibility to protect the lives of others as we would protect our own. If someone falls down, you drop what you're doing and help them up. I keep hearing that we're spending too much on healthcare. I can tell you right now that we're not spending enough.